Most days I wake up and before I even open my eyes, I am hit with the mental load of motherhood. I think about the organic ingredients I need to buy to make the healthiest version of chicken cutlets for my 2 boys’ lunch boxes, their rooms that I wish stayed clean for more than five minutes, and the house I want to feel peaceful and put together. There is this quiet pressure to do everything right and to somehow look calm while doing it.

Fading into the background of my own life

I love my two sons, who are two and four, more than anything in the world. They are funny, loud, sweet, and full of life. The pressure of the modern world of parenting sometimes blinds me to the special moments of watching them grow up. The pressure of trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect friend, and the perfect everything often feels like too much. Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of everything and everyone else that I feel myself slipping into the background of my own life and forget to appreciate the tiny, amazing moments of motherhood.

The mental load of motherhood

There are moments when the pressure really shows itself. One of those moments is when I am reading to the boys, both of them snuggled up next to me, and instead of soaking it in, my brain starts drifting to the grocery list. I catch myself thinking about milk or snacks or what I forgot to buy earlier. Then the guilt hits. I wonder how I can love them so much and still not be fully present in such a simple moment. It is a tough feeling, because it comes from wanting so badly to give them my best.

The truth is that it is hard to stay present when your mind is managing the entire household. It feels like my brain is always running, even during the quiet moments. But somehow, my boys are happy. They laugh constantly. They come to me for hugs. They fall asleep feeling safe. Their joy is simple and real, and it reminds me that they do not need perfection. They just need me to show up, even on the days when I feel a little scattered.

Figuring out motherhood

I have not yet figured out motherhood. I have not reached the point where I tell myself I am doing enough. I am still learning, still adjusting, still trying to balance loving them with remembering who I am. I try to remind myself that my kids do not need a perfect mom. They need the mom who sits on the floor with them, who laughs at their stories, who dances in the kitchen with them, and who reads another book even if her mind wandered for a moment. They need me.

Maybe motherhood is not about feeling confident all the time. Maybe it is about trying your best, loving your kids, and giving yourself patience while you figure it out. I am still working on believing that what I give is enough. Maybe that feeling will come with time. For now, I remind myself that my children go to bed feeling loved. And even on the messy days, that feels like something good.