My second son will turn 1 in 5 weeks. My goal was to breastfeed him until he turned 1, and here we are at the finish line.

I breastfed my first son for the same amount of time and it has been extremely important to me that I do the same with my second. I remember feeling uneasy about finishing with my first and I am experiencing those same feelings again. How wild is it that I feel guilty about stopping something despite knowing how much I have already given? 

I worry that I was distracted this time around and didn’t bond enough during our feeds since I was preoccupied with my older kid, or that I was looking at the clock waiting for him to finish instead of caressing his hair and telling him I love him. Did I play on my phone too much during our feeds? So many thoughts circle my mind as we come to the end of this journey.

I am fully aware that in the last 4 years I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding for over 3 of them.

I know that it is time to take my body back as my own, without growing or feeding someone from it. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting my autonomy back, but I do. I also know some moms don’t feel this way, and I wish I was one of them! This heavy guilt weighs on me. 

I am trying to remind myself that a few weeks after my last feed with my first son, I felt amazing. I remember regaining some mental clarity I had lost while pregnant and breastfeeding. That constant “mom brain” cleared away and I remember feeling like “myself” again. I remember having more energy, sleeping better and sweating less. 

I try to tell myself that I can be a better mom once I feel like this again, so this means concluding my breastfeeding journey with my sweet second little boy.

I hope I did enough for him. I hope we bonded enough and that he felt loved and warm in my arms. I hope my milk did what it was supposed to do. 

In a few months from now I know I will look back and think, “Why was I being so hard on myself?!” But for now, I’m in my feelings. I will take videos and photos over the next few weeks to commemorate this time and look back at them for the next year or so. And then one day, I won’t. 

But I’ll know that I did it.

I’ll know that I breastfed my second son for the same amount of time I did with my first, and I’ll know that I reached my goal. And I will be damn proud. 

For more stories about ending a beautiful breastfeeding journey, read, “The Last Feed” and “The Last Feed – Part 2“.

Another helpful article can be found here: “After Weaning – What Next?“.